


unreachable you.

by skittenville



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Light Angst, M/M, Other Characters Are Mentioned, Recreational Drinking, possible sequel if this goes well, what even is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-05-15 18:00:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19300897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skittenville/pseuds/skittenville
Summary: i randomly thought of this idea lol.jaehyun is in love with his best friend, taeyong. he gets drunk and writes him a letter about this own unrequited love.mentions of sex, so if you makes it makes you uncomfortable, sorry.





	unreachable you.

taeyong, i hope you know i love you. you're everything to me. i may be drunk, but i dont have to be sober to realise how much i fucking love you. not even in a best friend way; i'm absolutely, undoubtedly, positively, no-strings-attached, undeniably, totally in love with you. you've been there for me through legitimately everything. from the drunken tears mindlessly flowing, to the painful breakups; you were right there. you held me so tight, whispering sweet words into my hair like it was second nature. it's the moments like those that make me wish that i wasn't going to be moving away in a month. i didn't plan on telling you about it, but here i am pouring the contents of my heart into a fucking letter. im so sorry you have to find out this way. i was just going to pack all my stuff in the middle of the night and fuck off to japan in the middle of the night to spare you the pain. but since i started this letter, i can't seem to stop writing. so i guess i'll continue. i met you in the seventh grade, i was absolutely appalling back then. why you stayed with me for so long, ill never understand. you and i somehow bonded practically overnight, the day after i crashed into you (and scattered all of your papers along the length of the hallway) we had planned a sleepover. just the two of us getting to know each other, all night. looking back on it now, it seems almost fated how we grew so close so fast. two gross, sweaty, hormonal thirteen-year-olds almost giving the other a concussion with their heads. i mean yeah, we both ended up with bruises somewhere on our face, (mine on the left side of my forehead and yours on the left side of your chin because of the height difference that managed to stay constant since that day) but we stuck together. we needed someone we could depend on. so here we are, still in the same town, with the same group of friends we had managed to pick up over the years. you have always been the one telling me to follow my dreams. thats what im doing. i'm leaving all of this behind and pursuing my dream of becoming a filmmaker. i hate for it all to end like this, but i said fuck it and ill be on my way next week.

Since i'm here, I will reflect on our times together. do you remember the first camping trip we went on by ourselves? i definitely do. just the two of us, aged 17, in the middle of the woods. we got so fucking drunk that night. the way you were all over me still makes heat rise to my cheeks. you insisted on sharing that tiny sleeping bag even though you were way too fucking tall for it. that night we blared out favourite music from our shitty music player, we screamed our favourite lines to our favourite songs in the middle of the woods, we slow danced to the most fast-paced songs. our arms thrown sloppily around each other, our swaying so uncoordinated yet so coordinated. that night, i wasn't as drunk as you thought i was. i was tipsy at most. i remembered it all. you didn't. it hurt so bad when you asked me what happened that morning. it hurt so much worse lying to you. here's my apology for that night, taeyong. you dont know how long i've been holding that in. you dont know how badly i wanted to tell you. frankly, i was petrified of what would have happened if i had told you. but now, i cant hold it anymore. the truth is we did so much more than cuddle in that one-person tent. the way you held my hips so tightly while buried in me still never fails to make my mouth go dry. i've never been kissed with that much passion since that day. yes, i've kissed many people since then, but none of them have ever come close to comparing to yours. we fucked like rabbits that night. as much as i hate to say it, you were my best fuck. you fucked me in so many different positions and places in our tiny campsite. i was embarrassingly loud. lets just say, i got off to that memory too many times to count. even after, you made me feel so loved. you forced yourself into that tiny sleeping bag just to cuddle me and rub my back. i dont think i've had that good of aftercare in a long ass time. anyways, next memory haha. do you remember the first time i got stood up on a date? how you were so fucking close to breaking his jaw for breaking my heart? i had to actually pounce on you to stop you from driving to his house. good times. you wrapped around me completely as i sobbed into your chest. (sorry about that, by the way. i know it was your favourite shirt) how about the time you got stood up for the first time? how you showed up at my doorstep at 10p.m. sobbing. i opened the door and just snatched your wrist and pulled you into my apartment. i had already been brewing tea, going to save the excess for the next day's lecture. i practically peeled you off of me, settling you on my tiny couch. i poured the two of us a mug of chamomile tea and pulled you into my lap to watch a movie. you didn't stop crying until i pet your hair. you asked me to turn on the music channel and i happily obliged. i also held your tea for you so you could drink it while laying in my lap. you asked me to sing for you. i had never sang in front of anyone and you knew that. but were always my exception. you were always the one that got to see all of my projects before i released them. you always got to watch my short films i did for fun. you always supported me no matter what. im so thankful for everything you've done for me. sometimes i feel like i ask too much from you, but i then remember the time i had the same doubts and you shut that down before it went too far. i have never told you this before, but i was in a rough patch when we met. you pulled me out before it got too dark. thank you so much, taeyong. i can never say that enough. you have saved me so many fucking times and i dont know if i could ever repay you. i'm so sorry that i've never had enough courage to say it to you in person, always through text or via letter. i always feel like crying when i try to say it in person. it's stupid, i know, i cant help it. i just get so fucking overwhelmed. i have so much i want to thank you for that i dont know where to start, and then i start to freak out. so in conclusion, thank you for everything. every single thing means a completely unbelievable amount to me.

enough of the sappy stuff. do you remember our most recent sleepover? you should, it was last weekend. we talked into the night. it had been so long since we had a sleepover that was just the two of us. the previous ones had all been at your house. kun was always home for those. but this most recent one made me feel like we were in middle school again. we were just back in the good old days. you talked about kun for so long and it made my heart hurt way more than it should have. so i was a little juvenile and talked about the guy i was talking to, just to see your reaction. i dont know why i was expecting a negative reaction. i for some reason had a tiny glimmer of hope that you felt the same way i did. that was very quickly crushed. i was trying so hard not to cry while you slept. i failed. i had to go to the kitchen to let it all out. it definitely helped. i feel like this letter is getting really long so i should probably cut it off soon. for the time being, i would like to discuss us.

our relationship has definitely had its moments. i remember we once didn't talk to each other for a week because i took your leftover takeout from the fridge. i remember our worst argument resulted in a complete split in our friend group. i had doyoung, johnny and sicheng; while you had kun, mark, and yuta. kun was the glue trying to keep all of us together. he eventually succeeded in recombining our friend group, and for that i'm eternally grateful. it completely tore me apart when i was scared to talk to you for two months. now i'm glad we can all look back on that and smile, despite the whole situation of it. when you and kun started getting closer, i started to distance myself a bit. you confronted me for it and we ended up sobbing into each others arms, like we usually do after an argument. even then, you had kept a stupid promise that we made in highschool, during one of the worst fights we had: never say goodbye because nothing is permanent. "the pain you're feeling now wont last forever. you'll be able to grow as a person and you wont even remember what it was like. so promise me, taeil, that even though we want to kill each other, we will fix it at some point. promise me you won't say goodbye. just promise me you'll come back at some point." you said to me. at first i was confused. unable to wrap my brain around what you had said, for i was ready to rip your throat out at any second. but as soon as i got home, i went over everything that had just happened. your words finally struck something in me and i completely broke down that night. i understood that you wanted me to come back, to never stay completely gone. hell, i almost turned my ass around and climbed through your damn window for god's sake. i held off for a while, giving us both time to cool off. then i called you. i was already in tears by the second ring. you answered and i apologized profusely, finally giving you my answer to your promise. i would never stay gone. after that, we never said goodbye. we only said "goodnight" or "see you tomorrow" and if it was for more than a day, a "see you then" would suffice i don't think we ever broke that promise, no matter how much we wanted to rip each other apart.

 over the years, i've noticed that you dont return my feelings. dear god how it hurt in the beginning. but at this point, the pain of it is so numb that i can't even tell if there was any pain to begin with. wow that sounds so fucking stupid to say. either way, if there was even a sliver of a chance that you returned my feelings, i would probably do a fucking happy dance. you are most definitely my favorite human to exist and you've been by my side to help heal my emotional wounds countless times, unknowingly hurting me more with each kind word spoken into my hair. nevertheless, i need time to think and work on things that are more important than my stupid unrequited feelings. again, i cannot thank you enough for helping me become the man i am today. 

ill come back for you eventually, taeyong. see you then.

always a friend,

jeong jaehyun.

**Author's Note:**

> i feel like the end was messy but like, if you liked this, maybe leave kudos or a comment?  
> have a lovely day <3


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